August 3, 2002
First off -- happy belated birthday to me! No, not that one. One year ago this week, I made my first post on this blog. It was a dumb one, actually, and I lost the picture it had. But you can still see it in the archives...
Anyway.
The last couple weeks of my life have been very hectic. One of my best friends, Melissa, is having her wedding on the 17th, and of course we're all taking part on the preparations for the big day, which of course includes the bachelorette's party (stripper included). Apart from the fact that these things take time, they take money. You have to buy a ridiculous amount of penis-related merchandise for the bride, including the kinky gifts she'll receive (cuffs, edible underwear, an assortment of crotchless panties and a vibrator for exclusive use in the car). You also have to buy the booze in the bar and tip the strippers nicely so they rub their bulges onto the bride.
You also need a nice dress for the wedding. And shoes. And makeup. And usually, you need a date too.
This is where my problems start.
See, last week I found out that half my girlfriends have planned to get married within a year. That's fucking terryfying. I mean, I remember as if it was yesterday this bunch of naïve freshman girls in College, and now they're all soon to marry. One of them even adopted a kid. And I was there, practically gaping, trying to sound not too shocked when I hugged them and congratulated them. It's a bit puzzling to see your friends moving on with their lives when your life's biggest worry is to find out that Legolas action figure on eBay. I went into this depressive frenzy where I ended up wondering what the fuck was I doing with my life, because I must be severely fucked up if I'm not thinking about marriage like the rest of my age group.
When I came to my senses again, I thought, yeah, I'm kinda fucked up, but not for that. However, for them, it's deeply disturbing that I don't even have a boyfriend.You see, every single one of my friends attending Melissa's wedding will have a date, except moi. So they're worried, because really, if I keep up like this, I'll probably end up being the Cat Lady. I'll die alone and nobody will know I died until two weeks later, when the stench of my rotting body bothers my neighbors.
I'm starting to believe that too, and I hate they're doing that to me. I hate the fact I'm starting to feel miserable around them. I hate that my self-esteem is slowly sinking to a deep, bottomless hole. I hate the fact that I feel more lonely and invisible than ever before in my life.
But what I hate even most is the fact that thay're all trying to pair me up with someone before the 17th. As if I was 40 years old and desperate to have a shag before menopause finds me. As if they feel ashamed to be around the single, pathetic girl.
So I have to find a way to tell them all to fuck off without comig out too rude. Because that's my damn problem, really. I won't lie and say that I'm tough and I don't need no stinkin' boyfriend because I'd be lying. I do want to find someone, but not like this. And especially not when I'm feeling like this.
Maybe I'm missundertanding them. I sincerely hope I am. Because I haven't felt so shitty in a long, long time.
So that's why I haven't feelt that chatty lately.
Anyway.
The last couple weeks of my life have been very hectic. One of my best friends, Melissa, is having her wedding on the 17th, and of course we're all taking part on the preparations for the big day, which of course includes the bachelorette's party (stripper included). Apart from the fact that these things take time, they take money. You have to buy a ridiculous amount of penis-related merchandise for the bride, including the kinky gifts she'll receive (cuffs, edible underwear, an assortment of crotchless panties and a vibrator for exclusive use in the car). You also have to buy the booze in the bar and tip the strippers nicely so they rub their bulges onto the bride.
You also need a nice dress for the wedding. And shoes. And makeup. And usually, you need a date too.
This is where my problems start.
See, last week I found out that half my girlfriends have planned to get married within a year. That's fucking terryfying. I mean, I remember as if it was yesterday this bunch of naïve freshman girls in College, and now they're all soon to marry. One of them even adopted a kid. And I was there, practically gaping, trying to sound not too shocked when I hugged them and congratulated them. It's a bit puzzling to see your friends moving on with their lives when your life's biggest worry is to find out that Legolas action figure on eBay. I went into this depressive frenzy where I ended up wondering what the fuck was I doing with my life, because I must be severely fucked up if I'm not thinking about marriage like the rest of my age group.
When I came to my senses again, I thought, yeah, I'm kinda fucked up, but not for that. However, for them, it's deeply disturbing that I don't even have a boyfriend.You see, every single one of my friends attending Melissa's wedding will have a date, except moi. So they're worried, because really, if I keep up like this, I'll probably end up being the Cat Lady. I'll die alone and nobody will know I died until two weeks later, when the stench of my rotting body bothers my neighbors.
I'm starting to believe that too, and I hate they're doing that to me. I hate the fact I'm starting to feel miserable around them. I hate that my self-esteem is slowly sinking to a deep, bottomless hole. I hate the fact that I feel more lonely and invisible than ever before in my life.
But what I hate even most is the fact that thay're all trying to pair me up with someone before the 17th. As if I was 40 years old and desperate to have a shag before menopause finds me. As if they feel ashamed to be around the single, pathetic girl.
So I have to find a way to tell them all to fuck off without comig out too rude. Because that's my damn problem, really. I won't lie and say that I'm tough and I don't need no stinkin' boyfriend because I'd be lying. I do want to find someone, but not like this. And especially not when I'm feeling like this.
Maybe I'm missundertanding them. I sincerely hope I am. Because I haven't felt so shitty in a long, long time.
So that's why I haven't feelt that chatty lately.